


You Will See a Better Day

by MalecAcid



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Ben Hargreeves-centric, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Idk how to taggggg, No Incest, POV Ben Hargreeves, POV Third Person, anyways this is sad and im sad what's new, basically this fic is just about the light jgkdkdk, thats a good tag but it's less of a study of the character and more so a study of the thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29259561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalecAcid/pseuds/MalecAcid
Summary: He didn't want to say goodbye, though. He never wanted to say goodbye. He wanted tostay. Wanted to stay with his family. Wanted to stay out of this unknown.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Everyone, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	You Will See a Better Day

**Author's Note:**

> SO. I finally decided to confront my tears and sadness and write a fic about this fucking light that has made me sob more times than I can count 😌😌 jfkdkfkdkfkd let's just hope that it's good 😔😔
> 
> There are no warnings for this fic except for extreme pain!! 
> 
> Title is a lyric from the song it's alright by mother mother

Ben was seventeen when he saw the light for the first time. 

The only thing he remembered was the mission. He remembered Luther giving him an order after Allison had been stabbed, remembered moving in front of them and letting the Horror out. He remembered the complete and utter _pain_ that he had felt, unlike anything the Horror had ever felt like before. He remembered collapsing to the floor. 

And then suddenly, it was in front of him. The light. 

He had squinted as he stared up into the bright nothingness, taking a large step backwards at the sight. There was nothing but the light in front of him and the complete blackness everywhere else. All he could hear were whispers, a voice calling out to him, calling for him. 

" _Benbenben_ " The bright light called, moving just an inch closer as he startled even further back into the blackness. " _Ben, Ben._ " 

It looked almost as if it was pulsing, slowly moving forward and closer to him. Though his eyes were frozen onto it, he couldn't help but notice the other people moving around in the black darkness, something separate from the light. They seemed sane enough, but Ben didn't dare to talk to them. He didn't know where he was. Didn't know what was happening. 

"Where… where am I?" He called out after a moment, moving a hand to cover his eyes when the light began to hurt them. All he got in response was more _benbenben_ and he couldn't help but start to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he hadn't come home from that mission. 

Before he could fully come to terms with that idea, he heard a different, separate, familiar voice call out to him, call for him. 

" _Ben_." It called out his name once, softly, and Ben took a step further into the blackness and followed the voice because it was so familiar and so comforting and the light was so unlike the voice, so unfamiliar and cold. 

When he eventually opened his eyes and saw the back of his ghost conjuring brother, he figured that he knew what had happened.

* * *

The light was always there. It never left. 

If Ben looked too far to the side, it would be there, a bright light surrounded by an inky blackness. If he focused hard enough, he could almost hear the calls of _benbenben_ , could almost see the people walking around him in the darkness that he now knew were dead, the people who were probably just as terrified of the light as he was, just waiting for another option that wasn't the light. 

Ben considered himself lucky. He wasn't stuck in the blackness surrounding the light, didn't constantly hear the calling out of his name. He was back in the world, back on the earth, and he knew that the people stuck in the darkness would most likely never get the chance that he had gotten. 

He thought about going back, sometimes, but always decided against it before he looked into the light and blackness in the corner of his eye for even a minute. 

Him and Klaus would argue, and he would look to the side for no longer than a second before cursing himself for even going there. Ben never thought that he was actually going to _leave_ , but even just the thought of going made nausea rise in his stomach. Any time he would look too far to the side, he would see it. There were times when he would close his eyes and see it, too, but he was almost sure that that wasn't the real light. It was just his brain testing him, playing tricks on him. He hoped. 

It was always there. Even if he wasn't looking directly at it, it was there. Even if he couldn't hear it, it was still calling out to him, still saying _benbenben_ and waiting for him to make his way into it, waiting for him to do what he was supposed to do a long, long time ago. 

He ignored it, though, and continued to unnaturally walk the earth beside his brother. 

It was wrong of him to let Klaus continue to think he was stuck here, wrong of him to not tell his brother that he could leave, could move on, at any time. Wrong of him to let him believe it was his fault. It was wrong. 

He just wasn't ready. Wasn't ready to admit that he was terrified. Wasn't ready to admit he had a fear of the unknown, a fear of what was really lurking behind the bright light that called out to him, that called out to every soul that no longer had a body to inhabit. 

He was scared, so, so scared, because if there was an afterlife other than this, if there was a heaven and hell, a good place and a bad place, how could he be so sure that he would be okay? How could he possibly be put with good people when he had murdered, had killed? 

And if there wasn't an afterlife after this, what was there? Would he disappear into thin air? Would he no longer exist? No soul? No conscience? 

No. He wasn't ready. Not ready to go into the light, and not ready to admit why. 

Maybe someday he would be.

* * *

In the end, he wasn't ready. He later realized that he never would have been. 

It wasn't his choice, either. He could do nothing but stand there, his arms wrapped around his sister, as the light tore into him and finally decided that it had had enough of Ben's stalling. 

He didn't walk into the light, didn't get to say goodbye to his siblings like he had imagined he would when the time came and he was ready. Because he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to go into the light, wasn't ready to find out what was on the other side of that unknown. 

Ben didn't get to walk into the light, in the end. Instead, it moved to him, rested on his skin, and brought him with it as it drifted away. 

It was almost ironic, in a way, he thought as Vanya squeezed what remained of him even tighter. It was almost as if he was dying again. 

A ghost was dying. He would have laughed if there had been time. 

Instead, he closed his eyes, whispering into Vanya's ear about how to wash Klaus' guilt away and hoping that she could hear him over the whispers of _benbenben_ that were overtaking his own hearing. He doubted that she could hear them, figured that if the light was calling out for him, it would only be him who could hear it, but he hoped anyways. 

Hoping against all odds. That always was a Hargreeves specialty. 

It didn't hurt, being torn apart. Ben hadn't felt pain in a long time, and even though he wasn't ready, it was almost peaceful. 

Being dragged into the light in pieces was much more peaceful than his actual death. He was being ripped apart all the same, but his sister was here. There was no blood, no pain, and he got to say goodbye. 

He didn't want to say goodbye, though. He never wanted to say goodbye. He wanted to _stay_. Wanted to stay with his family. Wanted to stay out of this unknown. 

It was the first time that Ben had truly felt the finality of his death. 

Death had never seemed final to him. He had come back the instant after he died, had stared into the light for only a moment before Klaus called for him, and then he was back. It wasn't normal in any way, and he definitely felt dead, he just hadn't truly processed what it meant, even though he had been dead for so, so many years. 

He died when he was seventeen, but he had never truly been gone. 

Ben was thirty-two when he saw the light for the last time.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked!!


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